moving

Packing my belongings and juggling it with other 'stupid' stuffs in life that i wish i don't have to handle... Kalaulah ada magic wand...ting! ting! ting! and everything fall into its places...

"While you are looking for your companions, trust your intuition and don’t pay any attention to others’ remarks. People always judge others using the model of their own limitations – and at times the opinion of the community is full of prejudices and fears." - Paolo Coelho -

The Truth by Kris Allen

Lying next to you
Wishing I could disappear
Let you fall asleep
And vanish out into thin air

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it
It's the avalanche that looms above our heads
And we don't believe it

Trying to be perfect
Trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet
Are crumbling, the walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here holding up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth

I still keep your photographs
I remember how we used to laugh
I can keep on losing sleep
If you're okay with being torn in half

It's the elephant in the room
And we pretend that we don't see it
It's the avalanche that looms above our heads
And we don't believe it

Trying to be perfect
Trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now
While the floors underneath our feet
Are crumbling, the walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here holding up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth

Stop ignoring that our hearts are mourning
And let the rain come in
Stop pretending that it's not ending
And let the end begin, oh yeah...

Trying to be perfect
Trying not to let you down
Honesty is honestly
The hardest thing for me right now, yeah
While the floors underneath our feet
Are crumbling, the walls we built together tumbling
I still stand here holding up the roof
Cause it's easier than telling the truth
It's easier than telling the truth

fed up!

adj.
Unable or unwilling to put up with something any longer.

exit now? or no.

went to meet one of my fav lecturer during my recent balik kampung holidays...
a surprised visit for her though. planned to be that way.
as usual, it was a sesi meluahkan perasaan lagi about my work stuffs n a little bit of hers.

she said, maybe i should redha with stuffs i do now.
and adapt with the nature of the work and the people.
IF i love the work i'm doing.

IF i hate the work i'm doing..
she said this, find something else to do.
or come back there or go somewhere n teach.
i'll enjoy teaching, she said.
cause there's no point for you to continue forcing yourself doing something you dont like.
you'll not excel if you force yourself to stay.

been considering all these even before i met her.
meeting her was just to get some assurance about my consideration n decisions.
and it was melegakan.

giving myself until a few weeks after raya.
cause am waiting for something.
if i dont get that something, new decision have to be made then.

my headline...

home by michael bublé

untitled

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
Well that's alright because I like the way it hurts
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
Well that's alright because I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie"

-excerpt from I Love The Way You Lie by Eminem feat. Rihanna-

can we pretend...

Airplanes by B.O.B feat. Hayley (Paramore)

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Yeah
I could use a dream or a genie or a wish
To go back to a place much simpler than this
'Cause after all the partyin'
The smashin' and crashin'
And all the glitz and the glam and the fashion
And all the pandemonium and all the madness
There comes a time when you fade to the blackness
And when you're starin' at that phone in yo' lap
And hopin', but them people never call you back
But that's just how the story unfolds
You get another hand
Soon after you fold
And when your plans unravel in the sand
What would you wish for if you had one chance?
So airplanes airplanes
Sorry I'm late
I'm on my way
So don't close that gate
If I don't make that
Then I switch my flight
And I'll be right back at it
By the end of the night

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

Yeah
Yeah
Somebody take me back to the days
Before this was a job
Before I got paid
Before it ever mattered what I had in my bank
Yeah back when I was tryin' to get a tip at Subway
And back when I was rappin' for the hell of it
But now days we rappin' to stay relevant
I'm guessin' that if we can make some wishes out of airplanes
Then maybe oh maybe I'll go back to the days
Before the politics that we call the rap game
And back when ain't nobody listened to my mix tapes
And back before I tried to cover up my slate
But this is for Decatur
What's up Bobby Ray?
So can I get a wish to end the politics
And get back to the music that started this shit
So here I stand
And then again I say
I'm hopin' we can make some wishes outta airplanes

Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now
Can we pretend that airplanes
In the night sky
Are like shooting stars
I could really use a wish right now
Wish right now, wish right now

my headline says...

Hope is a LIE...
to silent people.
to keep people from thinking too much.
to shut people from reality.
to keep people away from the truth.
and so all hope is gone for now.

Never Alone
Lady Antebellum (feat. Jim Brickman)

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
May you always have plenty
The glass never empty
Know in your belly
You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing
You find friends worth having
With every year passing
They mean more than gold
May you win but stay humble
Smile more than grumble
And know when you stumble
You're never alone

Never alone
Never alone
I'll be in every beat of your heart
When you face the unknown
Wherever you fly
This isn't goodbye
My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

Well
I have to be honest
As much as I wanted
I'm not gonna promise that the cold winds won't blow
So when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

May the angels protect you
Trouble neglect you
And heaven accept you when its time to go home
And when hard times have found you
And your fears surround you
Wrap my love around you
You're never alone

My love will follow you stay with you
Baby you're never alone

post-birthday mystery

oh btw,

yesterday, i received a bouquet of roses for my birthday which was supposed to be delivered to my workplace. well, actually i went to pick up the flowers myself since the shop is just next to my office building apart from trying to avoid speculation among frens if sent to my workplace.. ;-)

but, the weird thing is, somebody sent it to me, but that someone signed as someone's else name on the card. the name in the card did not want to admit that he was doing all this. hmmm...

and so who could it be then?... siapakah psychopath yang sanggup bayar beratus2 ringgit untuk 15 kuntum bunga tetapi menggunakan nama orang lain itu?

and this is it...

............

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

i'm lost!

13 mei 2010

in no particular order, thanks to:

ayah
mak
brothers and sis-in-law
dekja
makcek
wazan
baby
umi
raffi
roslan
azizi
fairil
yanie
ezreen
nell
mima
harris

for all your kind thots and wishes sent thru smses on my birthday! all of you really made my day. :-D

also, thanks to peeps on facebook for the overwhelming wishes. make me smile sebab boleh dikatakan ramai jugakla and they are:

kesh
nell
farhana
wani
leen
hesmel
mima
luqman
hanis
bae
harris
zli
haida
lizaw
syed
kak syitah
maksu
fauzi
kak fera
kak bujie
azmaidi
azlina
hazirah
sue
roslan uia
raytaa
kak baya
kak liza
shahila
syaz
makcek
fiza
azam
anwarp
tina
alisa
tehah
yoges
hafiz
dekja
puspa
fadzli
zana
saufi
latip
nurul
saidah
hada
sarina
abg hussin
shu
kenanga
sairien
mazlina kosmo

i'm here somewhere in 'heaven' celebrating my birthday with my loved ones... cheers! ;-D

thank u?

it means so much when bosses actually say thanks to their employees for a job well done. each of us who has work our butt off in Hulu Selangor (HS) received a congrats and thank you sms from our CNE and OC in HS for what we did there.

i'm thinking if THE PARTY did not make it, will we still received the same sms? hmmm....
shoooshhh...go away negative thoughts!

a hulu i went to..

hari terakhir di Hulu Selangor.
haha..to tell the truth, i have to admit that i wish i could stay til sunday.
my colleagues are still here covering till the election day.
i was spared cuz i've bought my ticks to penang.
and i admit that walaupun sumbangan tak seberapa pun, tapi the experience and the staring on how all these peeps (media and politicians) work their butts off here are priceless.
i'm no pro here..waaaaayyyy far from better.. haha.
but all i can say, we're just doing our job accordingly...yg pastinya, atas arahan orang atasan.
and the politicians, well.. politicians are politicians.
tak tahu yg mana satu boleh dipercayai. dah berhenti berharap.

apart from work, i must say that the team of friends there make it more enjoyable.
had a good laugh with all of them especially time makan malam.. all the stories and jokes came out.. stress reliever betul. and tomorrow is another day.

thank u for the opportunity and time spent there...
at least now i know where kalumpang is situated at... ;-)

wishlist

been thinking to get these for myself:

1. a new Swatch
2. a new mobile phone
3. long vacation
4. new clothes
5. watching one or two good movies
6. new me?

i dont knw what is this? a disease? no?

burning the past ;-)

i have to say thanks to xan** for keeping me sane for a while. how depressing is that? i cldnt even control my own emotions without the help of that tiny pinkish med! like before, it started from the toss and turn sleepless nights two days ago.

at this mo, im feeling normal. the normal mode. the one of the nicest feeling that i wish it cld stay for ever. bleakness never occur at this stage. everything seems fine and not much to worry. at least for a few days. am quite sure after three days, it'll start all over again - the feeling of lifeless, lazy, sluggish, calm but intense, down the drain, sad, regretful, alone, lonely, empty, trapped, hopeless, miserable, being forced to live and the worst condition is when i become very very very fragile and cld cry any second just thinking about life. frankly, for me life is mostly unfair and too much of uncertainties. uncertainties make me sick. homesick. mindsick. lovesick. am sick of being sick.

for these few months, i start living on a daily basis. what happened today, ends today. tomorrow is another new day. it does make me more human and worry less. but, sometimes it hit me especially during pre-menses stage. it'll take a week before the first day..sometimes two weeks before, which means i only have two weeks to feel really normal.

living on a daily basis also means that i stop ..well, at least i try to stop dwelling on the past. it is indeed a waste of time to think about past mistakes and stuffs tho thoughts still occasionally come and trouble my mind.

for me, right now living on a daily basis also means that i have to put aside the uncertainties..what future holds for me. when dwelling on the past-and-thinking the uncertainties-thoughts get worst, thats when xan** come to the rescue. and to be honest, i hate it.

but that doesnt make me an aimless person. very very deeeeeeeeep down in my heart, i still aim and hope.


"Hope is putting faith to work when doubting would be easier"~Author Unknown

and she turns 58...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAK!!!

syukur kepada Allah kerana mak masih ada.
alkisahnya, mak yang disayangi ada dua tarikh birthday.
22 Februari dan 1 Mac.
biasalah, orang dulu-dulu sama ada lambat daftar
atau silap daftar tarikh lahir anak.
tapi bukan salah atuk atau uwan sebab orang lain yang daftar kelahiran mak.
disebabkan itu kami mungkin mempunyai 'kelebihan' untuk sambut birthday mak di antara kedua-dua tarikh itu. hehe..
contohnya, kalau terlupa tarikh 22 Februari (which ayah always do..;)),
kami boleh saja sambut pada 1 Mac.
tapi mak selalu tekankan birthday dia adalah pada 22 Februari!
jadi pada hari tersebut, ucapan disampaikan melalui telefon.
beberapa hari selepas itu, mak datang ke negeri sembilan dan kami adik-beradik menghadiahkannya gelang batu berwarna ungu (sugilite crystal) yang dikatakan ada 'energy' untuk memberikan
kesihatan yang baik kepada pemakainya.
seperti biasa, mak akan ucap terima kasih
dan kemudian memberi komen membina tentang hadiah yang diberi.
"buat apa kau buang duit beli batu buruk yang mahal ni?"
disebabkan kami sudah biasa mendengar komen seumpama itu selain mengumpul batu buruk seperti itu adalah kegemarannya, kami hanya mendiamkan diri saja sambil tersengih.
(sebenarnya, masa tu ada aku dan fuad dan ayah saja. fuad ditugaskan memberikan hadiah sebab aku dah tolong beli.)
tak kisahlah apa dia nak cakap.
apa yang penting, semoga mak sentiasa dikurniakan kesihatan yang baik oleh Allah dan gembira di samping keluarga.
yang lebih penting lagi, mak juga dilihat sentiasa memakai gelang batu buruk yang mahal itu selepas komen membina yang diberinya.
:-D

unusual flight

ini trip ke penang kali ke-n

back to reality.

boarded firefly last nite to KL.

pilot was flying the plane like crazy!

like super laju.

rushing towards i-dont-know-what.

must be more than 550 kmph.

aku syak 650kmph.

cuz i swear i can feel the wind on my face.

walaupun tingkap tak buka.

not like usual. 500kmph.

tau la last flight, but you dont need to make others or at least me biting my nails anxiously all the way.

but who am i to say huh.
and the crowd was noisy too.

laughter and whisperings from end to end.

and couldnt hear a word the pilot and the cabin crews were saying.
something wrong with their mic or speakers.

as if they were crackling over the speaker.

pun tak pernah berlaku jugak sebelum ni.
hmmmmm....


note to myself:
must always tick the firefly travel protection box when booking flights online.

he turns 60

HAPPY 60th BIRTHDAY AYAH!!!

syukur ayah masih ada. alhamdulillah.

ayah, mak, fikri and i went celebrating it at Bandar Perda, BM.

at Damiral's Grill.

food were super yummy!

we gave him an automatic seiko watch.

hoping that he'll not face the hassle of changing the battery anymore.

but, surprisingly, he still complaint.

about the watch keep stopping and he had to keep winding it to the correct time.

well, it turn out that the watch doesnt fit his wrist.

that's why the time stopped.

have to take out several band or strap of the watch to fit.

and i think, most probably, we have to 'drag' him to do that too.

anyway, the most important thing is he's happy and healthy still.

insyaallah.

bleak

i'm having my down syndrome again.
hate it.
really need to get the tix fast!
but not sure when will be my off days...
hate it!!!
i wanna screaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmmmmmmm!!!!

untitled

went to one of my relative wedding today at ttdi.
hmm..i hate going to weddings these days.. i think.
cuz people are starting to give me that sad and worrying look at me.
or is it just me?...
duhhh....

well i guess i have another reason to cry then...
besides the joy of marriage itself.
hmmmphh.... puas la hati diorang.

wedding bells are not ringing yet... so what.

song of dis few days

Like dis song.
Catchy n sesuai utk melalak di tempat tertentu..hehe.

Heaven Can Wait by We The Kings

here's a song for the nights
i think too much and
here's a song when i imagine us together
here's a song for when we talk too much
and i forget my words

heaven can wait up high in the sky
it's you and i
heaven can wait deep down in your eyes
i'm yours tonight
lay your heart next to mine
i feel so alive
tell me you want me to stay, forever
'cause heaven can wait

here's a song for the one who stole my heart
and ran so far, that cupid couldn't catch her
here's a song for the kid who aims so high
he shot her down

heaven can wait up high in the sky
it's you and i
heaven can wait deep down in your eyes
i'm yours tonight
lay your heart next to mine
i feel so alive
tell me you want me to stay forever
'cause heaven can wait

here's a song for the nights i drink too much
and spill my words

heaven can wait up high in the sky
it's you and i
heaven can wait deep down in your eyes
i'm yours tonight
lay your heart next to mine
i feel so alive
tell me you want me to stay,
forever cause heaven can wait

cause heaven can wait
cause heaven can wait

me maroon

oh maroon...
i didn't mean to leave you...
sigh.

this is quite funny.
every time i start talking about replacing you, you'll start to rebel by falling sick.
tiba2 ada saja yang tak kena.
sigh.
i didn't mean to leave yoooou...
but, sometimes life must go on.
even it is hard and not always a bed of roses....

homesicknessss

i'm homesick to the max!
i cld cry any minute now.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.....................

lalalalalalalalalalaaaaaa......................

expecting the unexpected

i've been doing quite a few unexpected decisions lately.

be it regarding small small stuff like choosing what food i wanna eat or which clothes should i wear to work or some major decision in life like....buying your first car?
my mind, my heart and my hand doesn't seem to be synchronizing with each other.
my mind says A, my heart says B but my hands were doing something that are awkwardly different things altogether.
either i'm having my blurry moments again which i think everyday pun i macam tu but this time i think it's worst than my normal blurry moment.
or it's the time when reality hits me hard again and all of a sudden, decisions made earlier were abruptly changed.
and also that is when my brain starts to freeze and tangle up inside aka my brain is confused.
and my hands start to pick something in between.
and then i surprised my own self.
but after a while, surprisingly too, i managed to convinced myself that that's the right decision as for the moment if not the best.
thank god...
i hope it last tho.

russian roulette by rihanna

Take a breath, take it deep
Calm yourself, he says to me
If you play, you play for keeps
Take a gun, and count to three
I’m sweating now, moving slow
No time to think, my turn to go

[Chorus]
And you can see my heart beating
You can see it through my chest
And I’m terrified but I’m not leaving
Know that I must must pass this test
So just pull the trigger

Say a prayer to yourself
He says close your eyes
Sometimes it helps
And then I get a scary thought
That he’s here means he’s never lost

As my life flashes before my eyes
I’m wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
So many won’t get the chance to say goodbye
But it’s too late too pick up the value of my life

m.i.m.p.i

for the past few months, aku pun taktau kenapa most of my dreams were so vivid.
jelas sejelas2nya.
rasa macam realiti.
kadang2 sampai tak dapat nak bezakan antara mimpi atau realiti.
ini mimpi di malam hari.
bukan di siang hari tau.
pelik memikirkannya.

buat masa ini, nasib baik semua mimpi tu yang biasa2 saje..
belum ada yang ngeri, tapi yang misteri ada.
seram jugak kadang2.
yang menenangkan pun ada. terasa macam berada di satu tempat asing yang tak ada gangguan.
sampai sayu mengenangkannya.

adakah aku terlebih tido?
sekarang ni aku hanya merehatkan diri di malam hari.
siangnya, cuba menyibukkan diri dengan hal2 lain.
tapi kalau dah terasa mengantuk sangat, tertido jugak.
tapi tidak sekerap dulu lagi.
errk..harap2 begitulah.

seni ke?

dis is what i've been doing for the past weeks...
decoupage art.
d art of gunting and tampal and painting sket2...

stationaries tin container roses motif

panda series squarish plate or for wall deco

before and after panda series plate

close-up panda series plate 1

close-up panda series plate 2

close-up panda series plate 3

wall deco or papan alas fruity motif

jar roses motif

happy nu year 2010!

semoga lebih kuat,

lebih pasti,

lebih 'sesuatu',

lebih gembira,

lebih baik

dan lebih berjaya...

;-) insyaAllah.