random findings

Just bumped into this. Found out that actress, Kate Winslet released a debut single once upon a time ago. Title of the song - What If. Sad song but nice. And her voice was not that disappointing. Quite good actually. The song was taken from the 2001 animated film Christmas Carol: The Movie which is based on the Charles Dickens classic novel. Not the new Christmas Carol movie, starring Jim Carey, k. :P

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

of me and estha

Estha had always been a quiet child, so no one could pinpoint with any degree of accuracy exactly when (the year, if not the month or day) he had stop talking. Stop talking altogether, that is. The fact is that there wasn't an "exactly when". It had been a gradual winding down and closing shop. A barely noticeable quietening. As though he had simply run out of conversation and had nothing left to say. Yet Estha's silence was never awkward. Never intrusive. Never noisy. It wasn't an accusing, protesting silence as mush as a sort of estivation, a dormancy, the psychological equivalent of what lungfish do to get themselves through the dry season, except that in Estha's case the dry season looked as though it would last forever.

Over time he had acquired the ability to blend into the background of wherever he was - into bookshelves, gardens, curtains, doorways, streets - to appear inanimate, almost invisible to the untrained eye. It usually took strangers awhile to notice him even when they were in the same room with him. It took them even longer to notice that he never spoke. Some never noticed at all.

Estha occupied very little space in the world. (Excerpt from The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy, 1997)

There you go. Description of one of the main character from a book I'm currently reading. Change the name to mine; his to hers; he to she and him to her; it'll explain me myself. I believe that I'm these silent. Well, it has always been like that. It's difficult to actually change that. Not that I don't try, but the truth is after a while, I got tired..exhausted of being verbal and talkative. Seriously.

And it's not strange when people start asking things like "how come you know things while being a quiet person eh?" or "you? a journalist? of all people? of all our friends?" or they'll just give me that strange look after one or two times meeting me.

And I also believe Ayah must have some sort of difficulties to answer question from a neighbor recently, "Your daughter ..so quiet also can be a reporter ah?". Well, Ayah told me that he answered, "yes she can". :D Well, of course he will answer that, silly.

Well, being the person I am, I feel even stranger (if there such word...). But I guess I'm just an introvert. And I'm aware about this characteristic of mine. I believe that I'm also aware of what I'm doing.. my job and all.. I do things when I really gotta do them and seldom put pressure on myself. And yeah, that'll lead us to a question like - Does that make me look like I'm not taking things seriously?... Judge me only when u know me inside out.


"The unnatural, that too is natural"~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"There is a strength of quiet endurance as significant of courage as the most daring feat of prowess"~Henry Tuckerman

some people

some people think they know things
some people think they know nothing
some people think they don't wanna know things
some people think they oughta know things
some people think they're right
some people think they're wrong
some people think others are right
some people think others are wrong
some people think they oughta be right
some people think they oughta be wrong
some people think they give a damn whether they're wrong or right
but that's better than some people who just don't give a damn whether they're wrong or right and ignore things altogether

“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you”~William Arthur Ward

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them”~ Galileo Galilei

monologue me part 2: state of being unsure

i hate uncertainties.
things in my head are getting tense.
headaches.
i might be breaking down.
i might be on the verge of crying any minute at this phase.
or on any of these days, hours.
i feel betrayed.
i feel judged.
and i feel sad.
today, tomorrow or perhaps the day after tomorrow.
or maybe these feelings won't stop.
and so i hate uncertainties.
does that mean i hate this life??


"The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting; by doubting we come to the question, and by seeking we may come upon the truth"~Pierre Abelard

"To be uncertain is to be uncomfortable, but to be certain is to be ridiculous"~Chinese Proverb