tick tock part 2

Time is taking me away from my loved ones............

[dream dream go away]

Had a pleasant nightmare last nite. It hurts tho...

Perhaps, everything has changed.

Perhaps, I should too......

tick tock

Slownyaaaaa.... duhhh.
Past weeks were slow enuff already.
But yesterday, today and most probably tomorrow rasa macam siput...

Am counting days to get my doses of island breeeeeze....
One day and a half to go...

yet again...

If it's the right thing to do, why must it hurts so bad...............?

random findings

Just bumped into this. Found out that actress, Kate Winslet released a debut single once upon a time ago. Title of the song - What If. Sad song but nice. And her voice was not that disappointing. Quite good actually. The song was taken from the 2001 animated film Christmas Carol: The Movie which is based on the Charles Dickens classic novel. Not the new Christmas Carol movie, starring Jim Carey, k. :P

Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

Many roads to take
Some to joy
Some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change

Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know

If only we could turn the hands of time
If I could take you back would you still be mine

'Cos I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keep on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed
If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

of me and estha

Estha had always been a quiet child, so no one could pinpoint with any degree of accuracy exactly when (the year, if not the month or day) he had stop talking. Stop talking altogether, that is. The fact is that there wasn't an "exactly when". It had been a gradual winding down and closing shop. A barely noticeable quietening. As though he had simply run out of conversation and had nothing left to say. Yet Estha's silence was never awkward. Never intrusive. Never noisy. It wasn't an accusing, protesting silence as mush as a sort of estivation, a dormancy, the psychological equivalent of what lungfish do to get themselves through the dry season, except that in Estha's case the dry season looked as though it would last forever.

Over time he had acquired the ability to blend into the background of wherever he was - into bookshelves, gardens, curtains, doorways, streets - to appear inanimate, almost invisible to the untrained eye. It usually took strangers awhile to notice him even when they were in the same room with him. It took them even longer to notice that he never spoke. Some never noticed at all.

Estha occupied very little space in the world. (Excerpt from The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy, 1997)

There you go. Description of one of the main character from a book I'm currently reading. Change the name to mine; his to hers; he to she and him to her; it'll explain me myself. I believe that I'm these silent. Well, it has always been like that. It's difficult to actually change that. Not that I don't try, but the truth is after a while, I got tired..exhausted of being verbal and talkative. Seriously.

And it's not strange when people start asking things like "how come you know things while being a quiet person eh?" or "you? a journalist? of all people? of all our friends?" or they'll just give me that strange look after one or two times meeting me.

And I also believe Ayah must have some sort of difficulties to answer question from a neighbor recently, "Your daughter ..so quiet also can be a reporter ah?". Well, Ayah told me that he answered, "yes she can". :D Well, of course he will answer that, silly.

Well, being the person I am, I feel even stranger (if there such word...). But I guess I'm just an introvert. And I'm aware about this characteristic of mine. I believe that I'm also aware of what I'm doing.. my job and all.. I do things when I really gotta do them and seldom put pressure on myself. And yeah, that'll lead us to a question like - Does that make me look like I'm not taking things seriously?... Judge me only when u know me inside out.


"The unnatural, that too is natural"~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"There is a strength of quiet endurance as significant of courage as the most daring feat of prowess"~Henry Tuckerman

some people

some people think they know things
some people think they know nothing
some people think they don't wanna know things
some people think they oughta know things
some people think they're right
some people think they're wrong
some people think others are right
some people think others are wrong
some people think they oughta be right
some people think they oughta be wrong
some people think they give a damn whether they're wrong or right
but that's better than some people who just don't give a damn whether they're wrong or right and ignore things altogether

“Flatter me, and I may not believe you. Criticize me, and I may not like you. Ignore me, and I may not forgive you. Encourage me, and I will not forget you. Love me and I may be forced to love you”~William Arthur Ward

“All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them”~ Galileo Galilei

monologue me part 2: state of being unsure

i hate uncertainties.
things in my head are getting tense.
headaches.
i might be breaking down.
i might be on the verge of crying any minute at this phase.
or on any of these days, hours.
i feel betrayed.
i feel judged.
and i feel sad.
today, tomorrow or perhaps the day after tomorrow.
or maybe these feelings won't stop.
and so i hate uncertainties.
does that mean i hate this life??


"The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting; by doubting we come to the question, and by seeking we may come upon the truth"~Pierre Abelard

"To be uncertain is to be uncomfortable, but to be certain is to be ridiculous"~Chinese Proverb

HRH in Penang

Penang has its own Hard Rock Hotel.
It's coolness kannnn...

Have to admit that I'm not really a fan who collect all of the Hard Rock memorabilia but I'm quite drawn to the idea of a Hard Rock Hotel in PENANG.
None in KL okay... how cool is that..hmm.
They also have the Rock Shop and Hard Rock Cafe as well.

Hotel's surrounding was nice.. thanks to the beach. There are rooms that open up direct to the pool where you can just sit outside your room with your feet dip in the pool and the sea in front of you... sighhhh...and how rockin' is that!

I, as always, was captivated by the lights forming the word 'Hard Rock Hotel' outside its lobby.


More info on the hotel, just visit http://penang.hardrockhotels.net/.

already gone : kelly clarkson

l.o.v.e this song tho sad! :(((

Already Gone by Kelly Clarkson

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry

Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone

Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

of Aidilfitri di N9

This year, altho spending raya with Mak Lang, Mak Teh, Mak Cek n family in Seremban, it was not at all unpleasant. They treated me well altho I only have two days off with them to celebrate the raya eve and 1st day of hari raya.

The raya eve was not quite busy. Just the usual stuff, washing n cleaning a bit. Biasa la malasss..
Apart from Hafiz has already done quite a deco for Mak Lang's living room. I also spend quite equal time at both houses since rumah Mak Lang n Mak Cek are in the same row (hopefully.. ;)).

So the raya eve night was quite relaxing since rendang, kuah kacang, ketupat and all those wajib raya dishes was already prepared. Of course by both aunties.. duhh. Then, Pak Cek and frens were busy doing rounds of bertakbir around neighbourhood. And our house was the last one and guess what time they FINALLY came?.. 1.15 am!! And we slept at ..like what.. 2.30-3am?..

The next day-the big day-RAYA!! It was okay.. tho I hope I could spend it with my family back in Penang. Me miss them.. :( And the adventure began when we start doing our beghaya rounds! Went to 6 or 7 houses! It's either rumah atuk saudara or uwan saudara. But it was fun!

First, we planned to go to arwah atuk uda's house but his family already gone to their own kampung. Then, ahead to Pak Cek's elder brother's house in Lavender Height, Senawang. Next, to Tok Ngah Johari's house (satu-satunya arwah uwan's sibling yg ada. it's her younger brother) in Petaseh. Spend quite some time there, solat and all.

Then, moved to Wan Uda's kampung in Kampung Terusan. Met with all atuk uda's daughters and sons and cucus. Spoilt my mood there too, cuz of one incident. hmmph. Then, walked to uwan uda saudara's house nearby. Then, rushed to pak cik Bazli's house in i-forgot-where's-the-place-at. Solat Asar and chit chatting with the long time no see maklong and makngah yg cumel. :)

And thennn... departed with them and head to solat Maghrib at a masjid that we used to solat raya when atuk was around. Oh, how I miss him so much! :(

And last but not least, we went to uwan leter's house. Parked our cars across the road opposite her house. Anyone familiar with road along or near Pelangai would have agree that the road are full with unstoppable line of cars and buses! It took us about 20 minutes just to get to the other side! Itu pun, after Mak Cek, from across the road (she had crossed earlier than me and other cousins) suggested that we should try angkat our kain baju kurung higher so that the male drivers would stop and let us cross safely. hehe...

At uwan leter's house, all the other uwans there reminded us to remind uwan leter (i'm supposed to call her onyang (or moyang) cuz she's actually my uwan's aunty, but she's famous with that name all this time, so, to be easy, let just call her uwan leter) who's who daughter and son when we greet her. As they're afraid if she doesn't recognize us anymore since she's 80 plus years old.

So, proudly, I told her that I'm kaklong yati's daughter. and guess what?.. She still remembered me.. and she even said my name out loud. hehe. That was quite a glee moment for me cuz i seldom went to her house except for raya few years back!

We waited for her signature teh tarik yang paling sedap among all teh tarik in the world but perhaps there were so many saudara mara, anak, cucu at her house, they forgot to served it. hmm..sigh. maybe next time.

After that, we head home. Tiring but all exciting. :D
All in all, i can say that my raya was contented and alive!! ;)

On 3rd of raya, i went back to my hometown...Penang - home sweet home.
Tho late, but it's okay cuz hari raya kan sebulan! ... :P

salam aidilfitri dari ofis

guess what everyone... i'm still at my office.

working! and it's 10.22 pm.

bored to death.

tried chatting. still bored. sorry no offense to the one i chatted with.. ;)

tried blog hopping. inspired but still bored.

this office pulak sejuk macam peti ais!!

turun pi minum jap..

dah turun pi minum tadi. ok skit. tapi ofis masih macam peti ais!

11.10 pm now. boleh balik dah la ni... hoorah!

hmm?.. what?.. what about my cuti raya?

well, i'm going back home only on 3rd raya. sad. :(

tomorrow, luckily i got an off together with 1st raya.

will be going back to seremban. yeay a bit! hehe.

then on 2nd raya, me have to work back!!! goshhh...

till 3rd raya. sigh.

tak sabarnya nak baliiiiiiikkkkkk penang!!!

have to go now.

here wishing u all readers a SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI!

drive safely wherever u go.

n makan kueh, rendang, ketupat, lemang, lontong, soto, kuah kacang, nasi himpit dan minum air gas, sirap, oren sume jgn sampai tak hingat dunia....

ciao! owh ya.. mohon ampun dan maaf zahir dan batin k.

stuck with each other : shontelle

Shontelle ft. Akon – Stuck with Each Other

You can think you can get free
You think you won’t need me
That you’re gonna get you somethin’ better
But you know that we’re in this forever
And you can think you can walk out
Even with your doubts
But you know that we’re in this together

You can try to push me from you
Nothing you do will keep us a part
Cause it’s too late, there’s no escape
Might as well face it, baby we’re stuck with each other
Stuck with each other
Ain’t nothin you can do about it

It’s been too long, it’s been too strong
Cause we belong here
Baby, we’re stuck with each other
Stuck with each other
Stuck in love with each other
(stuck in love with each other)

Yeah Now I can say that I would not care
If you were not there
Tell myself that I’ll be fine without ya
but I would die if I was not around ya
and I can try to convince you
I don’t need to be with you
But my only thoughts are thoughts about ya


What can I do, love is like glue
There’s no way to
Tear us a part
Cause it’s too late (too late, too late)
There’s no escape, might as well face it
Baby we’re stuck with each other
Stuck with each other (with each other)


Ain’t nothin i can do about it
It’s been too long, it’s been too strong
Yes, we belong here
Baby we’re stuck with each other
Stuck with each other (stuck with each other)
stuck in love with each other
(stuck in love with each other)


There’s nothing i’d rather do
Than to sit with you forever
Can’t think of nothing better
Than to be stuck with you
Cause it’s too late, there’s no escape
Might as well face it baby we’re stuck with each other
Stuck with each other

It’s been too long, it’s been too strong
Yes, we belong here baby, we’re stuck with each other
Stuck with each other
Stuck in love with each other
(Stuck in love with each other)
Cause it’s too long, it’s been too strong
Yes we belong herebaby we’re stuck with each other
Stuck with each other
Stuck in love with each other
Cause it’s too long, it’s been too strong
Yes we belong herebaby we’re stuck with each other
Stuck with each other
Stuck in love with each other
Stuck in love with each other
Ain’t nothin gonna stop me and you eh
Cause you know we just stuck like glue eh
Ain’t nothin we can do
We stuck in love with each other

lucky number?

just wanna write something on this auspicious day.. 090909. ;)

s.o.m.e.t.h.i.n.g ... there u go.. hehe!

they say today is a lucky day. some says not.

hmm..will i get lucky today??.. or not?

i wonder if i'd ever get lucky...?.. sigh

"People often remark that I'm pretty lucky. Luck is only important in so far as getting the chance to sell yourself at the right moment. After that, you've got to have talent and know how to use it"~Frank Sinatra

women n the nine things

To whom it may concern,

Intention: Sharing is caring... hehe.

JUST... 9 Simple Things Women Want

1. Respect. Show us through your actions that you respect our opinions, careers, interests, friends, bodies, and minds. You don't have to agree with all that we say or do, but try to honor our opinions as valuable contributions. Follow the golden rule and treat us as you would like to be treated: Be honest, fair, kind, and considerate.

2. Romance. It's another night on the couch with takeout and TiVo? Just because we're staying in doesn't mean the evening can't be romantic. Light a few candles and see where the night leads. Treat us like your girlfriend, even after we become your wife. Date nights, physical affection in the car, kissing like when we first started dating -- all of the things that made us fall in love with you don't have to stop just because now there are bills to pay, a house to be cleaned, and kids to be bathed. Bring home flowers for no reason. We're not talking $100 bouquets of roses here. Even the $10 bouquets from the supermarket are enough to make us smile.

3. Time. We understand relationships can't be all wine and roses; simply making the time to be with us and treating us like your top priority says "love" more than all the fancy gifts and lovely letters ever could. This includes helping around the house. The realities of a 21st-century relationship are that both partners probably work. If you happen to get home before we do, why not vacuum the living room or throw in a load of laundry? If you take the garbage out without being asked, chances are you'll be getting a big ole smooch when you come back.

4. Dinner. Of the homemade variety. You may not be good at cooking and you may not know how to boil water. But greeting us at the door after a long day with fish sticks (or whatever you can wrastle up) makes us swoon, because it shows that you've been thinking about us and our hectic day.

5. Communication. Women are vocal creatures. We know you love us, but it's nice to hear you say it, too. We can also be insecure. We wish we weren't, but the reality is that we often notice our wobbly thighs and forget about our gorgeous eyes. So let us know when you think we're hot. Tell us we're beautiful. It helps us feel good. Words of appreciation aren't half-bad either. Tell us you love the lasagna we made. Notice that we cleaned the bathtub. It doesn't have to be over the top, just let us know that you see the effort we put in, and you're grateful.

6. Consistency. This doesn't mean be boring and predictable. It means that we know you will (usually -- no one is perfect!) give us the love and support we need. Knowing that you're coming at this with the same desires and energy as we are goes a long way to making us feel secure.

7. Engagement. Of the mental kind, not the "I'm getting married in the morning" kind. You don't have to like everything we like (we might be a little concerned if you do), but showing interest in our passions, be it career-related, a sport, or a hobby, goes a long way. Listen when we talk to you. We're not speaking just so we can hear our own voice; we want to connect with you and this is one valuable way we do this. This also means paying attention to the little things. Whether it's the name of your best friend's husband or the fact that you hate Nicolas Cage movies, it's the little things you remember about us that's so endearing.

8. Humor and Humility. These two tend to go hand in hand. This doesn't mean that you have to crack jokes or entertain us, but just being able to laugh at yourself is enough. Guys who take themselves too seriously bring everyone down.

9. Challenge. Not the kind that makes a relationship constant work, but the good kind that surprises and motivates us to do, be, or achieve what we desire. Studies show that partners who prod each other to meet goals -- in other words, don't support lazy or bad habits -- are ultimately happier than those who don't hold each other accountable.

Taken from: http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/24320/dating-tips-9-simple-things-women-want

That's all we or... errr.. I want...later (cuz most apply after a marriage).

Thank u very much! :D

ramadan at home

As early as 6.30 am on last Saturday, I arrived at Subang Airport for Penang flight.
Arrived Penang 1 hour and 45 minutes later.
Rain pour greeted me at the airport. It was nice tho.
It was an amazing flight I would say cause awan sangat banyak dan tebal dan berkepul2 di langit. Rasa macam nak kuar dan bermain2 dgn awan. Rugi tak bawa kamera! sighhh...
It was a breathtaking view and shows how magnificent Allah created this world.

Buka puasa time, we cooked some dishes.
Mak masak rendang daging sekuali 'bangang' (= besar) (rugi sapa tak balik.. haha! :P).
I cooked mee goreng and berdegil.. eh begedil. Abihhh sumenya.. ;)
Ayah goreng cempedak goreng.
Balang tolong kacau mengacau.. ;)

And on Sunday, we break fast at Mak Tam's house. Was expecting Puspa and Azree, wife n baby Ain ada, but sume dah balik rupanya. Since, the day before, I read Puspa's FB which stated that they had a feast together with Pakcik Aziz n family on the same day. But, ada Mak Tam, Dek Ja and Tok pun ok apaaa..
Bought food from bazar Ramadan near their house. A walking distance away rupanya.
Laksa, roti jala, kari ayam, samosa, sup daging, kerang bakar and sambal ikan bilis kacang. That was what we bought. ;)
We didn't tell Mak Tam that we're going to their house earlier (well, like usual..), so do not expect anything special to be prepared in large amount laa.. haha. But, still it was enuff to make us full.. mcm ulaq sawa.

Then, when to visit Pak Chaq who temporarily lost his right eye sight due to his high blood pressure. His eye vein popped and bruised the back of his eyes.. hope he'll get well soon. He will, insyallah, as long as he control his blood pressure.
Then, went back home at around 12.40 am and here I am writing this.

All in all, I had quite quality time with my loved ones. Takmau balik boleh takkk?... :(
Will be back in ibu negara on Tuesday. hmmmphhhh...

Owh, btw, HAPPY MERDEKA DAY!

"The family is a haven in a heartless world"~Christopher Lasch

here comes Ramadan!

I hope it is still not too late to wish all Muslim readers (itupun kalau ada.. ;)) "Happy Ramadan!".

Hopefully, we can go through 30 days of fasting with patience and may Allah bless us more during this glorious and holy month.

Just an update (as requested by my brother :P.. yelah2 kaklong update) :

For the second time this month of Ramadan, I'll be breaking fast at Sheraton Subang Hotel & Towers, Subang Jaya. Though it's free, hotel food is well.. not the same like cooking your own dishes and what more to be compared with mom's cooking.

Can't wait to go back to P*enang this weekend for berbuka posa dengan mi mama n daddy n Fikri. ;) Jom, sapa nak ikut? :D

Narrated By Abu Huraira, Allah's Apostle said, "When Ramadan begins, the gates of Paradise are opened."

Narrated By Abu Huraira, The Prophet said, "Whoever established prayers on the night of Qadr out of sincere faith and hoping for a reward from Allah, then all his previous sins will be forgiven; and whoever fasts in the month of Ramadan out of sincere faith, and hoping for a reward from Allah, then all his previous sins will be forgiven."

dreadful

In Penang since last Sunday..
Home sweet home..
But, i'm not well since i got back here.
Mild fever (i think). Got runny nose just early this morning.
and baru nak pegi klinik after dis.

Takmau balik ke ibu kota. :(
Tiket pun belum beli lagi sedangkan I should be going back tomorrow.
That shows how much I dread to go back to K*L.

stress???

And, for the first time last nite, I took anxiety disorder medication to help me sleep easily and soundly.

"When I am anxious it is because I am living in the future. When I am depressed it is because I am living in the past"~Author Unknown

"Sometimes even to live is an act of courage"~Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Letters to Lucilius

"Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow"~Dan Rather

following my heart?

I have two more years till I hit the big three-oh.
But I still can't figure out what I wanna do in life.
Well, actually, I have something on mind. The sure thing.
But, I don't think I can do it if I'm still with this current line of work.
I'm thinking of hopping again... ;)
This time I wanna follow my heart.

update of updates

at my desk, at my office.

bored.

short of breath was very frequent lately. more than a week already. need to see the doctor.

recently,

Manchester United vs Malaysia, 3-2 (salute!)

PPSMI changed to BM (agree!)

'Ustaz' rock, Akhil Hayy divorced his wife (sigh!)

Fikri was suspected with dengue n oredi out n about now (great!)

Public transport fares go up (timely but hopeful for a better quality of services!)

Hazy KL (suffocatingly irritating!)

Changes in the office (strange! but true!)

Me going to KK, Sabah this Friday (.......... hoping that it'd be worthwhile cuz my plan to be with my loved ones was crushed because of this assignment!)

"When people are bored, it is primarily with their own selves that they are bored"-Eric Hoffer

M-Jay (August 1950 - June 2009)

Am watching Michael Jackson Funeral and Memorial Service at Staple Center, L.A live on 8TV (Watch it since I'm off from work tomorrow).

Frankly, I have to admit that I'm still shocked and saddened by his death on 25 June 2009. No tears streaming down but just purely shocked by it. I don't know, I feel like we can't possibly lost a very big music icon like him.

Though not really a hard core fan of him but somehow most of his songs in some way do bring back memories to me. Can't deny that his music do affect people's heart from all over the world. He's not only one of a kind King of Pop but weird at the same time - things he did to his face I mean. But who cares about one's face if he/she could produce really good music and became one of the greatest entertainer in history.

He surely will be missed and always be a legend.

May he rest in peace.

"Please keep an open mind and let me have my day in court"~Michael Jackson (huhu... ;-/)

paused and away

Just realized that i didnt make any update for June 2009.
Was in Beijing, China for two weeks.
My annual vacation and definitely my longest resting time for this year.
Went with Mak dearest. (She's a total spender!.. shhhh..;) )



Will update about Beijing later. ;)


"A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking"~Earl Wilson

i want my money back..lalala..

Recently, on 23rd May...

Q2 SERVICE PACKAGE HX5 15W/40 (RM82.00)
DRAIN PLUG WASHER 14MM (RM0.00)
PROTON OIL FILTER (BIG) (RM0.00)
LABOUR CHARGE (20.00)
SHELL SUPER HX5 15W/40 (4L) (RM0.00)
TROPICAL SCREEN WASH (60ML) (0.00)
AF PROTON SAGA, WIRA, CARB (RM8.50)
PROTON MEGAVALVE 1.3, 1.5 BRAKE PAD (RM90.00)
SAGA EXP. VALVE (RM75.00)
SAGA UCM A/C FILTER (RM35.00)
FULL CHARGE AIR COND GAS FOR 134A (RM70.00)
LABOR A/C FOR VACUM & OIL (RM15.00)
LABOUR CHARGE CODE M (RM120.00)

TOTAL SERVICE: RM155
TOTAL PARTS: RM360.50
SERVICE TAX: RM7.75
TOTAL: FREAKING RM523.25!!!

Can somebody please explain why do i have to pay all these when i asked the workshop to service my Proton Saga Megavalve 1.3 (after its last service 6 months ago) and its aircond and its brake pad..??? Thank you very much. hmmph..


"Money, if it doesn't bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort"-Helen Gurley Brown

and btw i personally love this quote.. haha!: 'When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife"-Anonymous

breathe in breathe out

Short of breath was frequent yesterday. Did consult the doctor on my last visit to clinic. Doc said partly because i'm stressed out. And i did tell doc that it usually happened when i'm happy and relax. Yesterday, it occurred during window-shopping. Doc said, that is what usually happened cuz my body was actually trying to release or ease itself from the tense condition when my mind is in its relax mode. Well, i don't really get it on how that can be related.

And no, i don't have asthma. And my short of breath can seldom be accompanied with pain in chest where when i try hard to breathe, there'll be stinging feeling at my chest which prevent me from breathing smoothly. And today, i feel kinda stuffy at my chest. Something blocking.

Apparently, these few days, i've been relaxing myself from all that stupid high hope thoughts and remarks and accusations. I even went for a three days two nites vacation with t*ehah and e*yda to cherating-genting. Maybe that won't do to ease me. Cuz i'm still.. you know.. stuck.

But not to worry cuz my t*iger balm is always with me when breathing get hard. ;)

wishes for me mama

Happy Mother's Day to Mak. *hugs*
I love u and will always do.
Frankly, you're actually the most sensible and the coolest mom ever.
And you're still at your best despite everything that had happened in our family through all these years.
Thank you will never be enough but still I wanna say it..thank you so much for everything Mak!

"Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together"~Pearl S. Buck

"My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune"~Graycie Harmon

monologue me

hi hello.
zero productivity today.
woke up late. no wonder zero productivity cuz early birds get the worms.
but today is my off day.
so, i'm offing myself from the entire world today except for my loved ones.
ayah. mak. brothers. s-i-l. opea. the one in north island.
no phone calls. no sending texts nor replying texts.
except when i feel like it.
my mind so restless. tired.
could not get out of this life trap.
torture to my soul.
quitting... the best option.
but where to go after that?
think. think. think.
tired.
pause.
why did i take the wrong path?
bcoz of love. obeying what people asked.
had left love for myself long long ago.
and now, its haunting me.
what shld i do? what shld i do? what shld i do now?
can i still get what i want?
trapped. trapped. trapped.


"The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn"~David Russell

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise"~Robert Fritz

living my life

changes in the office. me included. am taking it positively. :D
could not be bothered with all the remarks and the accusations..
i am who i am .. take it or leave it.


"Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed"- Irene Peter

moon wonders

Is it just me or others feel it as well?.. I keep realizing that whenever full moon occur, my mood or emotions will turn more relax, more lovey-dovey and more mushy mushy than usual... I always ask myself if there's any relation between this perasaan feeling2 with full moon period?... hmm.. but what I know, there are relation between cycle of the moon with ocean's tide..

Selalunya, when this full moon happened, I can just stare at the full moon for hours as if macam my soul mate is living there and I'm waiting and missing him here.. sigh..

So sambil tulis2 ni, I do some reading on the net. Hmm.. ada jugak yang claim kata ada hubungan cycle bulan with our emotions sebabnya 2 per tiga daripada badan kita dipenuhi air, so there might be possibilities on that.


And here is one good simple article (Full Moon And How It Affects Human Consciousness by George E. Lockett) explaining about this relationship.. and at last, my curiosity solved. :)

These few days (11,12,13 March), the moon is so full and big and shine brightly up there.. and it was stunningly beautiful mannn... sighhh. Tried many times taking pictures of the moon but it became blurry and so small on camera... Any suggestion on how to capture the beautiful creation of Allah on camera?.. Adakah perlu guna kamera mahal?.. huhu. Haruslah!


"The moon is a friend for the lonesome to talk to" -Carl Sandburg-

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it, you'll land among the stars" -Les Brown-

the show : lady lenka

I'm just a little bit
Caught in the middle
Life is a maze
And love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone
(I've tried)
And I don't know why

Slow it down
Make it stop
Or else my heart is going to pop
'Cuz it's too much
Yeah, it's a lot
To be something I'm not

I'm a fool
Out of love
'Cuz I just can't get enough

I'm just a little bit
Caught in the middle
Life is a maze
And love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone
(I've tried)
And I don't know why

I am just a little girl
Lost in the moment
I'm so scared
But I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

The sun is hot
In the sky
Just like a giant spotlight
The people follow the sign
And synchronize in time
It's a joke
Nobody knows
They've got a ticket to that show
Yeah

Oh oh
Just enjoy the show
Oh oh

I'm just a little bit
Caught in the middle
Life is a maze
And love is a riddle
I don't know where to go
I can't do it alone
(I've tried)
And I don't know why

I am just a little girl
Lost in the moment
I'm so scared
But I don't show it
I can't figure it out
It's bringing me down
I know
I've got to let it go
And just enjoy the show

Just enjoy the show
Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

I want my money back
I want my money back
I want my money back
Just enjoy the show

"Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will
never lie to you" -Roger Ebert-

mak

Mak's birthday is approximately 2 weeks after ayah's. It was on 22 February. We gave her a branded handbag and a birthday card. I presented the bag tho late but she likes it.. judging from her smile. ;) Sorry lah Mak.. beg tu tak banyak compartment tapi janji stylo <---- F*uad yg cakap.

Mak is a women of few words. But she'll talk a lot when she wants to or have something important to say. She's a serious person most of the time..to me laa.. haha. but she will sure laugh at ayah's joke tho sometimes she might not like the way ayah's approach on certain things. Well, sometimes she'll asked some help from me to handle or say things that only a daughter can do. ;) hehe.. sometimes berjaya, sometimes not or sometimes i'd rather not involved myself with the problem or issues arising...

Deep down in my heart, i can feel Mak is a very strong person emotionally. I hardly see her cry.. i mean really2 cry.. she didn't cry, at least in front of us when atuk/her father passed away, except for one 'tragedy' that was caused by me.. i lost her engagement ring. sigh.. I wish i could do something to replace it. If i ever could replace the ring pun, the sentimental value will not be there anymore. That was what she said to me the moment she knew the ring has gone. I'm truly sorry. i didnt mean to lost it Mak... :(

The best part about Mak is she loves cerita hantu.. be it movies or dramas.. or people telling stories about hantu and the spirit world. she's so berani. So opposite from me yang penakut2 berani. :P hehehe... I enjoy watching cerita hantu with her actually.. she's so cool watching cerita hantu on tv. I'll be like the one yang tertutup2 mata sambil sembunyi di belakang kubu bantal.. :P

She's reasonable too. She makes us think. She likes to give example of stories and facts on things especially when she wants to counter our arguments on things that she thinks we did wrong.. be it in a scientific or religious angle of explanation. Hmm.. it's kinda hard to win arguments with her most of the time cuz apparently what she said is always.. well, true. hmmmph..

That's my mom. She's different from anyone i guess.. and i love her to bits altho we have our ups and downs.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAK!
May Allah bless you and granted all your wishes.. amin.

perlukah?

peluang pertama.
peluang kedua.
peluang ketiga.
peluang keempat.
dan sekarang sudah peluang kali ke berapa ntah.
perlukah lagi peluang-peluang itu?.. rasanya tak perlu.
sebab bila realiti mencelah,
tak ada lagi simpanan harapan yang mewujudkan peluang-peluang itu.
dan realiti seringkali saja mencelah hingga membuatkan semuanya tak berbaloi untuk diingati dan difikirkan...


"Reality bites... and doesn't let go." -Anonymous-

"There is a fine line between dreams and reality, it's up to you to draw it." -B. Quilliam-

vee day

As much as I don't want to celebrate v day, still there are people who send v day wishes to me. I replied it back tho. I don't really celebrate it due to some sayings that it's against what Islam taught .. but come to think of it sometimes, it depends on your intention or niat..

Well, as I said, I did reply friends wishes but it'll just stop there or I'd not be the one who started wishing everyone 'happy v day!'.

And well, it doesn't hurt to received a bouquet of roses.. doesn't it?.. *wink* :)

Thank you bintang! Lovely but lonely tho..


"If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with..." -Anonymous-

ayah

Ayah turned 59, four days ago (8th February). Like I said before, time flies so fast. Though the number might tell that that he's getting old, but to me, he's still young. :) Maybe because I don't wanna think that I've grown up.. cuz I still wanna be daddy's little girl. ;) I dont wanna think that he's getting older.. thots of it, make me cry.

There are still a lot of things that I wanted to learn and know from him. Back in Penang, Ayah and I would talk about a lot of things.. from life little problems to the ever chaotic local and abroad politics situation. Ayah likes to read a lot.. from books to articles on the net. And now, he also has his own blog! Thanks to me..hehehe.. ;) I taught him how to do it..

What I like about Ayah is the way he would stir conversation with his selamba joke.. especially when Mak is around. Mind you, Mak is a serious person, but she can laugh when Ayah came out with his humorous line..usually he'll make fun of himself in front of Mak which I think he sengaja did that so that Mak will react and tease him or even worse.. get angry with him. Well, that depends on Mak's mood. And then, they'll just start debating or fighting. And usually, Ayah will lose.. *sigh* I think Ayah loves it when Mak gets angry.. hehehe.. cuz he seems to sometimes repeat the same topic even when Mak dah tegur on what's wrong and what's right. ;)

Ayah can also be serious. ;) When we asked advice from him, he'll come out with his wisdom words. Contrary to Mak, he seldom get angry with us, unless we push his anger to the limit or we crossed some lines.. like Fuad always did. But Fuad doesn't care.. err..or do u Fuad? I can't hardly remember when was the last time Ayah get angry towards me. But when he does, I'll start shivering.. Cuz, I usually are more afraid of someone who at times get angry rather than someone who always nag about things all the time. Usually he'll tegur me cynically with a stern voice when I did something wrong..huhu..takuuut ;)

Well, overall, Ayah is a laid back person. 'Daddy cool' kinda person. ;) He always wants to be the defender for us when things get worse between me, my siblings and Mak. To quote him sometimes ago when Mak were mad at us over some things, "If Ayah treat us the same like Mak, where else will you/he/she go for comfort..?"..and that is why he'll be the one who we'll seek for in terms of fun, cash, credit cards, advice, etc etc .. hehehe..

.... but sometimes he 'betrayed' us, when he's not in the mood or when he felt that Mak did the right thing by scolding us on certain bad things we did.. *sigh*

As for this year's birthday, and for the first time ever, the four of us were not around to celebrate his birthday.. but I'll make it up by going back to Penang this Sunday! Hurray! Fuad will be around too this weekend. Perhaps we'll celebrate it by eating out.. and we did buy Ayah something.. ;)

Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AYAH! :) May Allah gives you the best of everything.. InsyaAllah..

about today

I don't know why I can't even write anything now..

Writer's block?.. I don't think so. This blog was supposed to have entries on beneficial things, but I can't put myself on finding something that'll benefit all human kind.. waaahhh! Big dreams there! hahahaha! Maybe because I was not born a writer but just trying hard to be a writer. Poor me..

About today, I'm off from work. Was out for lunch with my bintang today.. ;) Who n why do I call him 'bintang'? He's someone that I chose not to reveal. To quote him after I told him that we cannot be seen due to some circumstances, "Guess I'll have to be like stars - not always seen but always there." And that is why.

Lunch was ok for me but I'm not sure about him. I'm guessing he was ok.. well, he has to be okay cuz I chose the place. ;) He was kinda upset with me at first when we met just now. Me the girl who took an hour to get ready.. and so he waited. Well not that I intended to but someone woke me up the minute he wanted to go out. And how is that..? *confused* Well, I guess we had our own expectation for each other. I expected him to wake me up earlier n he expected me to have already woke up..

It's ok. The meeting went well although towards the end we were a little bit sappy n mushy. I know it's corny but that is when the reality hits us hard.

He send me home around half past four. In fact he send me earlier but we were chatting n 'enjoying' the scenery from on top of the world here at my place. ;)

I wanted to go watch movie and do some shopping but was feeling sluggish when I got to be on my bed after that.. *sigh* Next off day perhaps.. ;)

My movies wishlist at the mo':

1. Changeling
2. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
3. Confession of A Shopaholic

Really hope that I can make it to watch the above.

That's it for today...


"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light cuz I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." -Sarah Williams-

of recent chill out

I don't know why, I still cannot let go some things in the past. For example, friends.. n memories that they bring with them still sometimes lingers in my mind. As if like we never properly said goodbye n the thing haunt me as we go on our separate ways. Well, I don't know how they feel to have a friend like me but at least that's how I feel about my relationship with them. Cuz being the quietest member of the gang, I hardly show off my joy or sadness or any feeling at all to them. A friend once said, despite my quietness, they still know n remember me. Hmm cemana tu..my quietness can actually made me known to others.. ;)

Frankly, I don't quite like that perception on me but what to do, I'm naturally like that.. *sigh*. Quite a few times, I tried to be a little verbal than usual, but towards the end, I'll be exhausted doing that. Well, I'll talk a lot when I feel comfortable n know things. Other than that I'll keep zipping my mouth.. errk..

Back to things that I can't let go..friends, well, recently, I went chilling out with some friends that I've known for almost 15 years..some sort like a mini reunion. In fact there are friends who I've known for more than that lapse of time..

And so I went out with my best friend, F*atehah whom I've known like forever! In fact she initiated the meetings. Together with her, we met Ra whom I've known since kindergarten! n M*ima.. my 2ndary schoolmate whom I share bits of my (n hers too) family stories in those days..

So, at the meeting, we talked almost about everything. About work..about love.. about relationship, about other friends like who with who now, what they do n etc etc (mind you, we were not badmouthing, we were just gossiping ;) ) Other hot topics were about mr right and wrong guy.. somebody should compile stats on married guy seeking single woman please! *sigh*..hmm.. Maybe I should write a special entry on this topic.. ;)

And we also chat about our age!!! The freaking number! sigh againnn.. We feel like we're stuck in a twenty eight year old body with teenagers mind.. *sigh*.. time flies so fast. Feel like only last year we finished high school.. but noooo.. its already 10 years plus we left that memory lane. *Sighhhhhhhhh*...... a long sigh there.

Anyway, it was a great meet up. Would love to do that again..but they depend on my off days..hmmph. I need more weekends holidays boss! ;)

Till the next entry then.. tata..


Life is a succession of moments. To live each one is to succeed. -Corita Kent-

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. -Abraham Lincoln-

this is when reality really hits

It has been almost a year since I last posted my entry here. Sigh.. A year has gone by without any fruitful entries due to procrastination illness that has affected me since I don't know when. Bad girl! Hmmph..

Ok, where should I start?.. Concluding what had happened throughout 2008?.. Hmm.. let see. Maybe I should update about things I told in my previous entry. Well, I took the job or should I say career.. maybe not. A career is a job that you do after ages of involvement in it.. err.. and you're never tired about it. Hmm.. why I took the job even there's issue about it?..

1. well, at first i think i could just try to live away from my parents..
2. i hate routine job like my previous job..
3. trying to challenge myself.. again.. tho i know my capabilities in doing this job is kinda at the low side..sigh..
4. i wanna travel places
5. i wanna meet n know more people n make frens..cuz people i know all these years are very limited

So now, after 9 months into the job, all of the above seems to hit me hard. Cuz the truth is..

1. i miss my parents so much.. my home..my room..n especially my hometown..the sea..
2. there are no job tht are not routine-like in this world.. well, eventually it'll become a routine to u tho u go to different places everytime..encounter different people n events..
3. i should stop challenging myself on something i dont quite like.. not that i dont like it, but it seems that ive to try hard to be into it.. what else can i do then..?
4. ok.. this seems ok to me.. but i still cant figure the whole picture of all the routes here.. arrgghh.. feel so small n timid living in this city.. sighh...
5. i wish i dont know half of the people i met throughout this 9 months.. hmm.

That's it. For a start of 2009. But as usual, I'm taking all these slow n steady n just go with the flow... cuz it might make me become a stronger person later in life. And so I hope..


The grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. -Allan K. Chalmers-